If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
