life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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