i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
