He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
