Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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