Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
