Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
