When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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