people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
