Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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