I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
