you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
