a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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