this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
