They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
