3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
