I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
