my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
