The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
