Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
