ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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