some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
