do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
