I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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