Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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