two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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