My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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