ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
