I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
