it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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