I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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