I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
