i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
