Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
