3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
