im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
