So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
