can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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