Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
