Sry I called you an 8
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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