Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
