sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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