Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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