I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
