alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
That accounts for only three of the penises
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
