p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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