I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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