It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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