come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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