Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
