you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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