Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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